So today i am learning so many things.
I just feel like writing out my thoughts today even if they dont make since.
I dont understand why it seems you can go so far out of your way for people and it feels like no one even appreciates your actions.My family is giveing in so many ways right now and my mom gets so criticized i wish that she would be cut a break just once..I know that its not about what you receive in life its about what you give but its hard when i see someone giving everything she has and in return she gets hurt,i hate it and wish i could do something but what can i do??Im only 19 and i wanna change the world,I hate pain and tears,I hate seeing children who are sick and women who are beaten,I wanna be a change in this world i wanna step out and give something I wanna give myself!Tonight i sit here finally able to say im happy,Ive learned to give my life up to Father and to completely let all my worries go,Though at times we all struggle i can laugh these days and i want that for my mom and everyone,I wanna bring smiles and laughter to everyone bc it truely makes a diference,Maybe its selfish of me but i wanna be a change,I wanna do everything i can but i sit here tonight with no clue where to even begin???Im lost in my own house my own backyard??I wanna venture but where i feel so stranded so alone.= [
though i am happy i dont know where to begin its like my world is spinning in a million and one direcions,I met someone and he truely brightens my life!he makes me see apart of this world i never knew..I want happiness for the world.I want to be a change..I have this urge to get on my feet and make my voice heard i want to make a diference.Im tired of tears tired of saddness tired of crying...
I needed to get these words out.
Thankyou.
P/S.I miss you dad!= ]
I miss summer 2006.
I wanna be broken again.
torn to peices for a cause that i know is lifechangeing.
Wait for the Lord;Be strong take heart and wait for the Lord. psalm 27:14
There will be day(thanks dad)
There is something that has touched my heart these last few days and its truely opened my eyes to a whole new world that surrounds me.There is a sound that fills the air that you can only truely hear when you finally learn to listen with your heart and not your ears.This didnt make a lot of since to me at first as i began to go threw things in my head but as i started truely listening to what was on my heart i realized that God does speak to us and He is sending us msgs daily almost as if its a daily alarm clock or a phone call from your best friend.This past week Father has spoken to me in ways i never could of understood unless i opened my heart and closed my ears.I am hurting in ways i never thought i would and the pain comes from within my heart in places i never knew could hurt,its an ache and a longing to not feel so alone,as i listen to the words of a song that was just introduced to me it breaks me.I felt a feeling i had not felt in two years tonight as i listened to the words,I was taken back to that room filled with more love for Father than i had ever felt and the worship and strength i felt but yet the feeling of being stripped and completely broken apart,as i list the words below i ask you take the time to read them word for word and not take it lightly.It is truely a prayer!You have to listen with your heart and read the words and know that no matter what we go threw in our lives there will be a day when all of the suffering and fears well be stripped and know that we are never alone.THERE WILL BE A DAY!!Those words i just cannot explain how much they mean,Its going back to that day two years ago in a beautiful breath taking park in Germany and knowing that as everything seemed to be falling apart and it felt that we had been defeated i remember breaking threw and realizeing that Father had plans for us,I remember thinking that i wouldnt make it threw and everytime i got discouraged and started looking threw the eyes of the world someone was placed in my path that helped me look back threw the eyes of my heart and the eyes that Father had given me.Most say the world is a broken place but something i havent caught on to until now is that the world is not broken enough,we as Fathers children have to release our hearts to be broken and have to allow Father to mold and shape us so we can go out and strip this world and break it into peices.Because in order to be made into His divine plan for us we need to allow our hearts to be broken.Going back to that day i wish i could have realized all of this then,It would have made things smoother but that wasnt His plan,Idk why it took me two years to see things this way idk why im still being broken and tested and idk why certain people who i grew to love that week have been taken from me,but i do know that i will not question Father and i thank Him for giving me the oppurtunities i had that day that week and everyday of my life.I thank Father for allowing me to be broken.and i thank Him for taking me back to that park and bringing since of what happened that day and helping me to see threw the eyes of my heart why what happened needed to happen.I may not understand it all but its more clear.
I remember fear,pain,sorrow,but i remember what followed that day and the unity that day brought us.And i could not ask for more!If anything that day allowed a group of people to work together and become one to remain calm and allow Father to lead us and we did not let it defeat us but only make us more determined and stronger.So for that I thank you Lord.
Thankyou for makeing it clearer and allowing me to be broken even more.
Heres the words to the song:Jeremy Camp,There will be a day.I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings,
and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end,
His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
(Chorus) There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face But until that day,
we'll hold on to you always I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone (Chorus)
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one
I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life
of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing
Wait for the Lord;Be strong take heart and wait for the Lord. psalm 27:14
I realize something for the first time today well yesterday..I sat under the moon on the swings with my closest and best friend.We talked about life and the ups and downs.We talked about how life changes in ways we will never expect.I am not able to explain just how rough a path i had or how many ups and downs i had.But i want to get back to writing..I stipped and i do not know why.I want an escape a place i can go to just share my thoughts and all the crazyness that runs threw my head.I am 19 years old now.I have tried many things and many paths.I have experienced life in ways i never planned or expected.I enjoyed times and then suffered as well.But every path i have taken has taught me so many things.Last night my crazy wonderful bestfriend showed me who i am.she helped me get back to reality.I am on here not sure any of this stuff well make since but i also dont care!! becuase i am just trying to express who i am!I am me...well i have nothing else to write at this moment but i will write more so be looking..
I dont care anymore..if people are going to judge me on my past then let them.I am not who i was two years ago im not who i was 1 year ago.I have grown and feel i am growing each day.I am just striving to be a strong Christian yes i do fail many times and yes what i think is the right thing isnt always..but dont judge me on that.I honestly am having trouble figureing out who my true friends are and who i can and cant trust..i know that i have the "band"(Father Son and Holy spirit) to lean on and thats what keeps me going!I love Father and i learned to lean on Him more than ever this summer..Father is leading me in some new directions and it is scary because i dont necisarrily want to leave but is that what Father is calling me to do??I really dont know anymore..I think its time people let go of my past because tonite i am..though it is hard and i will struggle threw this im willing and ready to move on and forget..I hope and pray you will too!I have wronged many people and tonite i ask that if i have ever wronged or hurt you to forgive me..not just say you are and hold it in the back of your head but truely let it go!I am going to with alot of people..The person i have hurt most by not letting go is Father because i know He has made me new!Tonite as i sit in tears knowing that not even the church can let go of who i was a year and two years ago,im broken.Broken because i realize everything i was taught this summer..Im back in that room and i feel Father speaking to me..I listen and come home and ignore that calling..please pray for strength tonite as i let go and prepare to move on in life and not carry the past with me...
To those of you who know me some changes are going to be made very soon..and they well be hard but i cant live in the past and i cant worship God in a place where they cant let go eather..I want to worship God to the fullest!
God bless..
Wait for the Lord;Be strong take heart and wait for the Lord. psalm 27:14
my dream
I know this is long,but its my dream..please take the time to read it!!Thankyou and God bless!!
--As a young child I always had dreams.I would lay around wishing for things i knew in my little heart could never happen but i would never give up on my dreams.Growing up was hard,because we didnt always have much money,I was afraid to try new things because if I succeded we wouldnt be able to afford it is what i thought.I decided it was better to just dream.Ive always had one dream that still hasnt been fulfilled.I refuse to give up on this dream.Ive always wanted to be apart of something,its never mattered what,just wanted to make a difference and succed for once.I have found one thing that i would like to use to help make my dream come true,It is my true passion and that is writing.I dont know how i would make it without writing it definatly keeps me going!Ive dealt with many heartaches and trials but my writing and dreams always keep me going.Ive never actually given my heart to one of my dreams and tryed to fulfill it until the summer that is.I had the oppurtunity to go to Germany on a Mission trip.At first i was afraid being there,becaue for once i actually felt like i was apart of something.I felt as though my dream was coming true!I had a desire to work for Christ there but i was holding myself back,I was a child again afraid that if i succeded i would get held back or we wouldnt be able to afford it or something would happen i didnt know what??I was just afraid.After talking to a really great friend and sister i realized i needed to let Go and give it all to God.Some very special people helped me realize its ok to chase your dreams,Its alright if you fail as long as you get back up and keep on trying.I realized Father was calling me and this all leads me to my dream!The one thing i want and feel as though i cant have.The one dream i refuse to let go of w/o a fight,ive wanted this since i was a child but ive always given up.I feel as though im reachin for the stars.I know it wont be easy but i cant give up this time,ive given up on gymnastics,cheer,singing,and even school,BUt not this time.Coming home from Germany I began to wonder where is home?Where is life?What is reality?I was given a home this summer..I was handed my dream and i cant let someone take it from me.I want to experience life again that reality of being in a foreign land.I cant explain the overwhelming joy and desire and passion that i had for this!I want people to see my heart and the love i have for people!I have something i want to give to those who may not hear it if i dont Go!Ive tried telling myself its not worth the fight,Im not going to be allowed to Go but tonight ive realized thats giveing up again.My heart is in this,it truely is my life!Im continueally broken for the people and the towns,I am afraid because i realize i am no longer a child.Im being stretched and Father is calling me to take a huge leap of Faith.Am i going to be the one to say no?Am i going to give up without a fight?I wont do it again,Im willing to fight until its ripped from my hands and even then im not giveing up!I have had a dream,I have the chance to fulfil it and im more than ready.I want to be a missionary.I want to go to the nations.My dream is to start by next summer going to Germany.I know its not easy,I know i could fail.Its going to hurt at times.I am afraid and this is going to take 100% Faith!Im willing to Go!Im happy when i serve!I want that feeling i had when M said"I thought about what you said and im ready to make God apart of my life!"I want to be sitting in the park and be brought to tears just from the beauty!I want to be overwhelmed with Joy!I cannot go alone..I want Father to open the eyes of my family and friends.I want my eyes to be opened as well..I am not as happy as that time when me and rachel just sat and shared with each other,and gazed at the beauty!What happens if i tell Father no and dont give this dream a shot?I dont wnat to look back and say what if?..I wnat to be all i can be!I want to do what others say is impossible.As im brought to tears knowing that there is one person who i cant go against what she says goes.Knowing she is afraid of looseing me and doesnt want me to go because she is afraid.I dont want to hurt her by the desision im going to make!I want her to experience the Joy ive felt and know i love this!I want her to know i love her and never want to hurt her,but i want to do what Father is calling me to!I ask Father everynite to open her eyes..I love her and want her to be proud of me,I want her to see this is my dream!My heart aches knowing she doesnt want to let go,i dont know what she feels and i know she doesnt know what i feel..I have a full hearted dream,a desire,a passion,a love and i dont want it taken.I cant quit i cant say no.I have almost given up already even writing this i question myself why am i reaching for something so big?But then i received a call from my best friend at the chris tomlin concert,just so i could hear our song.She reminded me of something,I realize i am made to worship,i am called to love!I have amazing friends and if i give up then im giveing up on them as well.They want me to fulfil my dream!I cant let them down..I love my best friend she has helped me realize that i cant let go..whether its next summer or the summer after..I have to be willing!They have given me hope and love My friends have taught me to chase my dreams and who am i to say no?They believe in me and Its time i start believeing in myself!My family both here and all over from this summer..have helped me realize im not giving up on this dream!!
