Today..
Emotions feel me..My heart is still broken but i know im here now for a reason..I must say i have some amazing friends and sisters!!Father has given me so much its time i start looking at the good and stop thinking about the sruggles i am going threw..Its time i remember He never promised a life without troubles and pain but He did promise He would carry us threw them!Its time that i take these emotions and use them for Him..In all honesty im scared of letting it all go,i know its not going to be an easy ride but i think i am finally ready..My heart is filled with Happiness,Sadness,Scared,Confused,so many emotions but yet i look inside and i have never had such a Joy as i have now!Its diferent!I love it!I love that i cant tell you what is going to happen next..i love that plans can change at any minute!I love iit and it scares me all at the same time!!
A childs heart..
Watching that little child play was in some odd way an answered prayer..I was sitting at the ball fields watching my neice when i realized that we are all little children that Joy that we had as a child is still within us except its a new kind of Joy a Joy that can only be found in Father!He has been opening my eyes to the world that surrounds me and it is becoming more and more evident that Father is with me everyday!I still am confused about a lot and i dont know that i will ever overcome that confusion..i am beginning to realize that this world,well america is lost and needs Father..In someway i feel that Father is going to use me here i dont know what or when but i know He will show me and now i know that whatever happens next summer its all in His hands.I realize that yes Father is calling me back to Germany and yes that is where my heart is but i also realize that we cannot put a time on God!I am ready when He opens that door but until then i am here in america though it may not feel like home im here and I am a little child..as my neice reached up to me with her hands i realized that is what Father is waiting for from us..we are to be the little child lifting our hands..I think back to when i was a child about 4-11 years old prayer to me was you bowed your head and folded your hands and you talked to Jesus it was as simple as that..i didnt understand the power of prayer but i did know i was talking to Jesus and He heard me.I want to go back to that time when God was so big and we folded our hands to pray and realizing only one thing while doing that realizing we were talking to Jesus!Prayer is powerful but why is it so hard to do now that we are older?Back as a child we always wanted to Pray we were never afraid to say the wrong thing...why are we so afraid now??As a child I come to Father tonite..asking for that innocence again asking for the heart of a child..the want and need to pray outloud!!
Wait for the Lord;Be strong take heart and wait for the Lord. psalm 27:14
Purify these Hands..
As i am reading psalm 1-41 this week I cant help but stop and reflect on the power of Father.Conitinuously we ask "Father show us your hands and your beauty,speak to us today."And all this time Its right here,in the trees,skies,seas,flowers,grass,stars,just about anywhere we look around He reveals his beauty.This past month ive learned to stop and reflect that beauty and each day Father is continueing to show himself to me.Father is looking at how clean we keep our hands,and wanting us to be pure.We must daily wash our hands in His blood and let Him carry us.We are always told that keeping our hands clean and our works well gain us crowns in heaven but the thing many dont stop and realize is Father Blesses us here as well.,and its not just about the works it comes back to "obedience over activity"Father is wanting us to be obedient and in that He well bless us here,we must not be complacent.In psalm 18:34 Father is telling us that He is prepareing even the ground beneath us for a battle,and recently someone helped point out that Father is reminding us threw this that He is training our hands for battle,not physical but spiritual.He is strengthening our hands and though at times it may be rough He also reminds us in psalm 22 that we are to stand strong and know that even when we feel all has gathered against us that he has already strengthened our hands,this is why He strengthens our hands now so we can overcome at hard times.In 26:2 it tells us also that we are to ask Father to test us and test our Love for Him.Hardships may come but when they do He is prepareing us now and prepareing our hands.In 27 we are constintly being told to be confident in our troubles knowing He is there.Knowing that all we have to do is say I surrender all and lift our hands to Him,even when all it is in Faith reachin out for something we cant see but believeing He is there!We are told "Wait for the Lord;be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."psalm 27 14
Its been a little while since i updated ive been dealing with a lot of emotions and didnt want to face reality but im ready now.Im in Moore Oklahoma and im in a battle here I am an M to those around me and as i would like my plans for next summer to be layed out in front of me ive realized they wont be until Father says and in His timeing.Im not necisarilly ok with that but i am going to live on and be happy here because this is where He has called me at this time.And when He opens that door ill be ready.Until then i will Go here and fight the battle before me with confidence knowing He is beside me and has plans.
My feet stand on level ground in the great assembly I will praise the Lord. Psalm 26:12
Happy Birthday Lara I hope you have a Blessed and Amazing day you rock hard core!(and your def. a rockstar!)
Reaching for the stars..
Sometimes i feel like i am reaching up and no one is there to grab my hand..but then i feel his touch.I feel as though im stuck and then again its his love that pushes me.As my heart is broken i realize tonite that im going to be pushed,stretched,and even torn apart and broken at times,but that if i reach out,His hand is always there to pull me threw!Though i am broken hearted at times and all i want is to cry i know im here,now,for a reason.Pain overwhelms me at times and i want to give in i want to give up..it would be so much easier i think..but i just have to reach out for his touch and he is again there.I think about his love and promise never to give me more than i can handle.I realize what he went threw for me on the cross and though right now this may seem like something ill never overcome,again He reaches out and shows me his love.Tonite I realized that Father has given me the dream family though we may not realize it we are united threw blood threw his blood!We are united as one,tonite some of my family reminded me that they care and that someone is always there!Tonite i close my eyes and dream im reaching for the stars!!It may seem so far but yet in my dreams i believe and its there..Faith is reaching to Father and believeing He is there even when we cant see a thing..!My heart may ache today but someday all my tears well be wiped away..I want my friends and family to know we are united as one!A bond that no one can break threw,if we cling to the cross.I dont know why i am here..i dont want to be but i know its in his timeing and right now he wants us here.I had an idea that again i felt was reaching for something i cannot grab,what if we all met together in diferent parts of our state and prayer walked with the people near us?what if we became accountable to each other?what if we finally decided to not let this just be a spiritual high and get something started?well im done saying what if..im going to do something i dont know what maybe im just supposed to pray but i am making a commitment to my family that whatever Father says do i will do..even if its to stay here for now and pray!
These words are beautiful
Somehow You AreI look out at the oceanI don?t know where it endsI look up to the heavensWhere do they begin?From way down hereMy feet stuck on the groundAnd the wonders in and around meCan it be?You who made the moonYou who made the starsI cannot express the sum of who You areYou who spoke the wordsLiving in my heartI cannot explain it but somehow You are Somehow You arePeering out my window, feeling pretty smallA perfect cosmic light showAnd I know You made it allIt makes it all the harder to wrap my mind aroundHow You gave up Heaven to be with me Can it be?Nothing high or low, above, belowNot anythingCan take that away, away from meTake that away from meThese words are beautiful and i never truely reaf them just sang them..but it didnt come from my heartt until tonite!Please read the blog below..
Its not about me..All about Him
Ok so summary of this weekend..Father broke my heart in more ways then i realized.This blog is going to come from my heart but its going to be diferent.My prayer is that you read this and ask Father what or who(youll understand just read)
Yec was awesome we had a really awesome speaker,stuart hall,.Father used Him to speak to us about Love and truely being broken well honestly at first i was like im doing everything Father is asking me im not holding back and i have been broken already so i just sat and listened well,i learned i was wrong Father broke my heart seeing someone i havent seen in a really long time who was an amazing sister on the M experience.(my ambulance buddy)see that had been a prayer of mine for awhile to see her bc i couldnt get ahold of her,and there she was i wasnt even supposed to be at that spot.wow father opened my eyes..last nite i didnt think much about it.But today i went back and well again i wasnt expecting to learn to much but was willing to listen to whatever was in store and wow was there a lesson to be taught.
Here is what truely broke me..Lately i wasnt sure what else i could be doing for father i thought i was doing all he was asking but i was wrong..the speaker came up and started talking about being lost i was like ok well im not..He used proverbs 4 which is an amazing part of scripture!Solomon is talking about fixing our eyes ahead and keeping our feet from evil..(you should read it)but ok im still thinking what am i supposed to learn Father?Well he continued to talk about reflecting ourselves back to Father and keeping our feet on the right paths and staying focused and then when i thought it was closeing and there wasnt much for me except to help teach others what he just taught Father said here is your answer..when he said this i heard Father not stuart He said "If you are in a friendship and you know that someone is doing something they shouldnt be or liveing a way they shouldnt be and you arent telling them then your in a friendship and thats all you are worried about,but if you step out and tell them you are being a friend a true friend"ok so that moment father broke me i knew who i knew when i knew..i was holding something back that i didnt even realize..its the little things..
I wouldnt trade the tears and pain i feel and brokeness for anything..because with all this comes such a love and need for Father i cant even begin to grasp..
This summer,this weekend and everyday Father is growing me.
My question is are you allowing Him to Grow you?Because its not that He isnt,its that you arent allowing him to..
The tears say it all,But"Here am I Father, send Me"
So tonite i went out with some friends to watch a movie and i have to say it was great fun i love them and wouldnt trade them for anything and i had funtonite lotz!!But i was sitting watching the movie and i began to realize that i had more fun pr walking and sitting in the park just gazing then i did sitting with them laughing(and i did have a lot of fun tonite)..i learned that being ruined,has a huge impact and it breaks my heart!I love it though..so we are driving home and i realize how much i see Father now..and how much america needs him,maybe even more than germany bc here its dead,here we take advantage of church and of the freedom we have,my heart is pounding it wont stop i dont know what to do,i feel..i dont know how to tell you except that my heart is broken it aches,it hurts,its so hard to breath,i feel Father,i know he is here i know he is calling,but i feel so limited..it feels like it did that nite sitting in germany when i couldnt breath,it hurt inside i just cryed i couldnt think i didnt know what was going on..my hands froze they hurt(im there again,i can see it all),im scared,i can see that nite its confusing bits and peices are gone..words i cant make out but i know i heard but couldnt understand,but i also hear d and c singing its beautiful i was so afraid they took that fear..i want their singing again..i want to go back so i can hear them and feel the love in it!and i want that moment in the park earlier that day when m said "Actually i do want that gift!"It changed my life,ive gotten to be apart of leading people to Christ but never like that it was amazing!such a desire such a love..i sit here now in tears,hearing people say im going to fail at my tests,hearing im a drop out,hearing these negative words and trying to look at the good trying to see that moment over and over trying to feel l's hugs and love and the love i felt while in germany those last days..going back to the ride to the airport looking out the bus window as we pulled off i wanted to cry and i did and i felt trapped here i am again that same state im stuck,frozen..but im here..america needs us,me,you america needs us to apply what we learned here..so lets do it!i hope and pr im not alone!!Im hurting,frozen,short of breath but yet im ready Father, "Here am i send me" pain cannot over take me with you Father..Take this pain and send me..here..
wake up call..
Read these verses please..God really does answer prayers!acts 1:15,2:28 romans 1:15-17,3:4 mark 4:40 phil.1:6 jeremiah 1:5-10 Well worth your time to read trust me!!
Read the blog below and you well understand why these verses mean so much!!
Last nite as i sat in the park crying and expressing what was on my heart i realized,im doing exactly what i shouldnt be..Im determined to make it about Him but yet Im making it about me.As i sat there looking at the beauty of what Father can do and knowing if i only would give Him the front of the bike..let Him guide me that beauty would shine threw me..I sat there tears falling and realizeing its time to stop saying im going to do something and instead get up and do it..Yesterday was difficult but talking to Gina and Kris helped me see something they helped me see lifes not supposed to be easy,They reminded me this is our battle feild,this is our battle our Party well come soon enough!Here i sit and think about the beauty around me,determined now to Go and start something Father has shown me He will catch every tear that falls I am never alone,It wont be easy but its the tough times when you see only one set of footprints,He willl carry me threw..but its me that has to reach up like a little child and let him take me..Im afraid,confused,and yet inside there is still such a Joy..Dig beneath the pain,you will see a little girl not so little anymore,but ready to take a stand!As i sit in Church and we sing i want to be the one that stands when everyone else is still sitting,when we stand im going to be that little child reaching her hands to Father,reaching out for a Hug,reaching out saying Father take me,hold me,carry me threw this..I hear people mock and make fun when someone in our church lifts thier hands to Father but i am not afraid!It wont be easy i know..but Fathers already shown me why im back here..It takes time and patience but im seeing Him now and i know ill shed tears but i also know he counts my every tears and catches them in a bottle..
There is a girl whos looking up to me,
she wants to be all she can be,
Father why have you chosen me?
I dont understand,
but i know its me she wants to see,
lift my hands and take a stand,
so Father now i pray
help me be a leader and show her the way
Take the front ill take the back
Carry me when i start to slack
your wake up call i want to hear
when i start to shed a tear
help me know you catch them all
and well always catch me when i fall
Im so afraid but so is she
Father help me to be
all youve planned of me..
Is that light??
Another day,
Father shows me who i am,i am afraid,weak,torn,challenged,and so confused but in him i can overcome all.I am strong,i have joy but still feel so weak.Fathers always beside me and i know he well carry me threw.I am ready to Go so send me Here am I father!Today is another day,Happiness fills me even when i am afraid..I cant tell you my heart or my true feelings inside,but i can tell you that He has filled me and ruined me..I was ruined and its so hard but again i have to cling to the Cross and look to Him,He will carry me threw!In everything i do i want to glorify him..Confusion overtakes me but as i sit here looking out at this beautiful sky and i see Father i see the work of His hands.I see what he provided me and i know i must Go..Here..this place is my battle feild and it awaits me..Time to take a stand time to Go and show Fathers love..His unlimited love filled my soul and to give to others is my desire..i strive to see others the way my Father sees them and i pray in me they see the light!Another day awaits,afraid but i have Hope and faith..and today i begin to see the light..but still surrounded by darkness its Hard..
Im still afraid i feel blind i feel lost i feel struck,but i have to lean on that hope that He has given me..i will cling to Him..
To be hated by this world,struck down,persecuted,is all worth the love i have found in Him!Friends may come and Go but the ones that matter are the ones that stay..bashed and cut down i still stand knowing i am in Him forever set apart..
she said what ive felt for so long..
http://impulseponderingsofagirlnamedlara.blogspot.com/
Hidden Tears,Frozen smile..
As i sit in fear I dont understand what lesson Im supposed to learn.I wonder each day why im placed in situations.What am i supposed to gain?Im scared and confused..Im tired,Tired of wearing a smile when inside i am continually broken.I feel frozen like there is no way out.There is nothing i can do but just sit and wait.I dont want to be fake,I dont want to live a lie,I dont want to hide!Today i step out still afraid but knowing there is a Way.Again im not going to be silent even in my fears i know there is a plan.Father comes threw each time i know it just is going to take faith!I cling to the cross,afraid of this life but knowing He will carry me threw.Im living each day one step at a time.I look over this last year and hold no regrets,Father carried me threw and guided my steps.I am growing each day and yes i am still afraid but i know He is there,Im never alone,His light has shown!
Phillipians 3:14,4:13
I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
I can do all things threw Christ who strengthens me.
All to familiar verses but do we truely listen and see what they have to say??
Ich liebe Dich!
